Turning over a new leaf.

Since way back when,I've met a fist full of tools. I'm talking some real winners here...and I'm just not understanding what makes them think I have this sign on my head "I LIKE DOUCHE BAGS". Every girl sometime in their life, runs into one of these individuals...but the amount of them I've encountered,even shocks me. I'm not perfect by NO means;6 kids,3 divorces,freshman year...god knows this. So here's my new list of standards I'd like for the next asshole that crosses my path to meet:

#1: You have got to have a j-o-b or go to school. I dont feel like babysitting your lazy ass.

#2: I have kids...quite a few actually.I dont want you to be their dad,but bet your sweet ass ill cut you if you even look at them the wrong way. A must is that you like MY kids, other kids are up to you.
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#3: If you excessively drink or smoke weed,walk your goofy ass the other way. Been there,done that. Youre not in highschool anymore,time to grow up man-child. I cannot have that around me or my children,so dueces.

#4: You cannot have a baby momma, I'm sorry but I will not love your child as much as mine. If you DO have a baby momma and I actually like you,we'll debate but dont get your hopes up.

#5: If you remotely have the urge to yell at me...I suggest you keep that on the inside. Ask the last fuck that got in my face...I assure you.

#6: Here comes my shallowness.You cannot have small,crooked,or just flat out ugly penis. I dont give a shit what your face looks like...If I'm going to be with you,and we bump nasties..shit better not be lookin' like a circus. Sex is important in relationship, its something only you and that person do.

#7: Cheating. There are versions of cheating;emotional and physical. Both are fucked up,no matter how you put it. If you plot on cheating on me,and I find this out. I promise you, #6 will never apply to you again,due to the fact I will saw your slut of a penis off with a plastic party knife. No cheaters or liars.

#8: Gotta smell good,gentlemen. If I head in to snuggle you and I get a wiff of ass and sour milk,I'm going to flip my shit.

#9: Domestic violence is a huuuuge red flag.Trust and believe.Don't think that because you got away with it to the last girl,don't think that this bitch doesn't have a spine. Hit me and I will fuck you up where you stand.

#10: Dont dick me around. Bi-polor skitzo is not attractive...pick an emotion and roll with it. I dont have time for bullshit or crazies. if you need meds or help...i know a great hotline.

#11: If you play WOW or Call of Duty until the sun comes up,you need to be evaluated for an illness. Being married to your controller isn't a turn on,or all that fun for anyone. Communicating with warrior34 more than your girlfriend is rather creepy.

#12: Hitting on the friends. This one is a crock of shit and absolutely rude. If youre with me, and trying to sleep with me friends...well youre just asking to be punched in the junk.

#13: I have a potty mouth...obviously. I will not save face for anyone, I'm loud and frankly don't care what anybody thinks. I know when to be polite and when to tone it down....but I need you to be easy going and have somewhat of a sense of humor. Otherwise,by the end of every day,you'll be in tears.

Never the less, those are just a few off the top of my head that I would simply like for the next guy that decides to walk through my door..to prettty much have knowledge of.