"Cause I look in the mirror and all I see...

are your brown eyes looking back at me..they're the only thing you ever gave to me at all"

I'm sitting here rocking my little boy to sleep...thinking about how beautiful he has and how lucky I am to have him. Then the thought of how his dad doesn't want anything to do with him came to mind. I dont get it..I've been through hell and back for Lyric,and I understand what its like to co-parent with somebody you dont want to. You just do it and you just be there emotionally when you cant physically.A 5 minute phone call or a simple sit down once in a while to see your son grow over webcam..not that hard. Is he not worth it or what you expected? He is so much like his dad...has a funny personality and is very smart. Everytime I look at Julian,I see Jay. He can't get this time back with Julian..first tooth,laugh,smile,steps,ER trip...I mean theres so much to experience. I'm not a firm believer that kids need dads,for personal reasons of my own,my dad was always working and what not...but I see Lyric and Aarons bond,I think Julian deserves that. When he came here and saw him for the first time, we were at the airport...Jay took a little look at him and kept walking. The little things like that just got to me. Or how Julian only got 3 days while his brother got 3 and the girlfriends parents got another 3. Like Julian didnt deserve time with dad,but Jay had to go meet the bitches parents. Never the less..I dont know wheather to be glad that he doesnt want him or cry because my son deserves his dads UNCONDITIONAL love. I dont know jays intentions over in spain because he never contacts us or even writes. All I know is that Julian deserves the world and thats MY job to give it to him.

before he left he wrote this in julians baby book:

March 19th 2010.
You may never understand how happy and proud I was to meet you for the first time,or how relieved I was when I first made you smile. No matter what may come in the years ahead,know that I care for you and I love you. You will always be special to me,my first born son. I am so proud that you are mine,so amazed to finally see your fac. And you may not at first understand whyI say this bu I hope and pray that one day you will forgive me-dad