Turning over a new leaf.

Since way back when,I've met a fist full of tools. I'm talking some real winners here...and I'm just not understanding what makes them think I have this sign on my head "I LIKE DOUCHE BAGS". Every girl sometime in their life, runs into one of these individuals...but the amount of them I've encountered,even shocks me. I'm not perfect by NO means;6 kids,3 divorces,freshman year...god knows this. So here's my new list of standards I'd like for the next asshole that crosses my path to meet:

#1: You have got to have a j-o-b or go to school. I dont feel like babysitting your lazy ass.

#2: I have kids...quite a few actually.I dont want you to be their dad,but bet your sweet ass ill cut you if you even look at them the wrong way. A must is that you like MY kids, other kids are up to you.
"
#3: If you excessively drink or smoke weed,walk your goofy ass the other way. Been there,done that. Youre not in highschool anymore,time to grow up man-child. I cannot have that around me or my children,so dueces.

#4: You cannot have a baby momma, I'm sorry but I will not love your child as much as mine. If you DO have a baby momma and I actually like you,we'll debate but dont get your hopes up.

#5: If you remotely have the urge to yell at me...I suggest you keep that on the inside. Ask the last fuck that got in my face...I assure you.

#6: Here comes my shallowness.You cannot have small,crooked,or just flat out ugly penis. I dont give a shit what your face looks like...If I'm going to be with you,and we bump nasties..shit better not be lookin' like a circus. Sex is important in relationship, its something only you and that person do.

#7: Cheating. There are versions of cheating;emotional and physical. Both are fucked up,no matter how you put it. If you plot on cheating on me,and I find this out. I promise you, #6 will never apply to you again,due to the fact I will saw your slut of a penis off with a plastic party knife. No cheaters or liars.

#8: Gotta smell good,gentlemen. If I head in to snuggle you and I get a wiff of ass and sour milk,I'm going to flip my shit.

#9: Domestic violence is a huuuuge red flag.Trust and believe.Don't think that because you got away with it to the last girl,don't think that this bitch doesn't have a spine. Hit me and I will fuck you up where you stand.

#10: Dont dick me around. Bi-polor skitzo is not attractive...pick an emotion and roll with it. I dont have time for bullshit or crazies. if you need meds or help...i know a great hotline.

#11: If you play WOW or Call of Duty until the sun comes up,you need to be evaluated for an illness. Being married to your controller isn't a turn on,or all that fun for anyone. Communicating with warrior34 more than your girlfriend is rather creepy.

#12: Hitting on the friends. This one is a crock of shit and absolutely rude. If youre with me, and trying to sleep with me friends...well youre just asking to be punched in the junk.

#13: I have a potty mouth...obviously. I will not save face for anyone, I'm loud and frankly don't care what anybody thinks. I know when to be polite and when to tone it down....but I need you to be easy going and have somewhat of a sense of humor. Otherwise,by the end of every day,you'll be in tears.

Never the less, those are just a few off the top of my head that I would simply like for the next guy that decides to walk through my door..to prettty much have knowledge of.

"Cause I look in the mirror and all I see...

are your brown eyes looking back at me..they're the only thing you ever gave to me at all"

I'm sitting here rocking my little boy to sleep...thinking about how beautiful he has and how lucky I am to have him. Then the thought of how his dad doesn't want anything to do with him came to mind. I dont get it..I've been through hell and back for Lyric,and I understand what its like to co-parent with somebody you dont want to. You just do it and you just be there emotionally when you cant physically.A 5 minute phone call or a simple sit down once in a while to see your son grow over webcam..not that hard. Is he not worth it or what you expected? He is so much like his dad...has a funny personality and is very smart. Everytime I look at Julian,I see Jay. He can't get this time back with Julian..first tooth,laugh,smile,steps,ER trip...I mean theres so much to experience. I'm not a firm believer that kids need dads,for personal reasons of my own,my dad was always working and what not...but I see Lyric and Aarons bond,I think Julian deserves that. When he came here and saw him for the first time, we were at the airport...Jay took a little look at him and kept walking. The little things like that just got to me. Or how Julian only got 3 days while his brother got 3 and the girlfriends parents got another 3. Like Julian didnt deserve time with dad,but Jay had to go meet the bitches parents. Never the less..I dont know wheather to be glad that he doesnt want him or cry because my son deserves his dads UNCONDITIONAL love. I dont know jays intentions over in spain because he never contacts us or even writes. All I know is that Julian deserves the world and thats MY job to give it to him.

before he left he wrote this in julians baby book:

March 19th 2010.
You may never understand how happy and proud I was to meet you for the first time,or how relieved I was when I first made you smile. No matter what may come in the years ahead,know that I care for you and I love you. You will always be special to me,my first born son. I am so proud that you are mine,so amazed to finally see your fac. And you may not at first understand whyI say this bu I hope and pray that one day you will forgive me-dad

the fight for you is all I’ve ever known;

Lyric Leigh,



One day you'll get to read this...content and happy right next to your momma..with your family.For now that isn't possible, and one day I hope you understand. I wish I could save you from any hurt you may feel right now. When I saw you again, I had this sudden rush of relief...as if my heart could finally beat again. The smell of your skin, the feel of you in my arms...I didn't think it was real. I couldn't help but cry,but it was a good cry...my little boy was finally in my arms. I didn't think it was possible,but when you looked into my eyes and called me momma,I fell in love with you all over again.I will always be your momma mister...I would fight a thousand wars just to let you know that.The whole time sitting there with you,observing you...you are perfection. You have such personalitly, I am so proud of you little man.You have changed so much since the last time I saw you, you are truely beautiful Lyric. I wish your brother and sisters could've been there...I wish you knew how much the girls miss you and adore you. They ask about you almost everyday..you would love Julian,big brother :).Know that you are loved by so many,youre a very special little boy Lyric.I wanted to soak in every little thing you did, I was sad that every minute went by was a minute closer to saying goodbye to you. I get this extreme amount of pain each time I think about having to leave you. I'm sorry for having to say goodbye...I know it was hard and I wish I didn't have to. I wish I could wake up to you every morning and kiss your face goodnight...to have you safe and secure with me would make my world complete. While you sleep tonight, I imagine you here in bed with my arms wrapped tight around you,making sure you're okay and not afraid. I will never give up on you...to think I might not see your smile again, eats at me every second of the day. Nobody will ever know the feelings I've had for the past two years, it has been a fight and I will not give up on you. We have a very big day coming up in a couple weeks...I want you to know that things will be okay monkey. I will hold my head high and carry you in my chest..

really now. what good does this bring lyric and this situation?

Aaron (Rideordie4life) formspring.me: "Do you consider Hope or Rachel to be your son's mom? And why?
Well Rachel is his biological mother you all know that but as far as being his mom, well hope takes the cake on that one. She has been there for him through the good and the bad. It's not easy being her but she does it well. Lol but when littleman gets older he will choose who he wants to call mom. I can't be any more proud of hope and what's she's done for him and for me."


Okay so this formspring buisness, is the devil. What him and hope are saying is really mean and half of it isnt true. I think this stupid shit talking has to stop, it's highschool shit and its retarded. Soooo..

Fact #1: I am Lyrics mother. Thats my blood that runs through his little body. She will never have that, i am sorry. A step mother is a step down from the real one. I cant help that. I dont care that she takes care of him, its better knowing someone does there. BUT, i will always be his mom.

Fact #2: I have never done anything to harm Lyric, ever. So the whole knife pulling gangster shit I apparently did, is not true. I however have thrown a few punches and ninja kicks. Dont anybody tell me they havent at one point or another, fuck with me and shit will fly.

Fact #3: Anything to do with my marriages, dont even bother. The other side will either pretend shit was so horrible to their new wife, or pretend they were never even married to me. BUT, i was there and i know how my marriages were. I dont have to lie about that...its sad that I married Jay so soon. Its even sadder I stayed with whats his face for so long.

Fact #4: I have my reasons for not seeing Lyric until next week. Medically I couldnt see him from august 09 until feburary of 2010. After that I've either been broke, scared to see him [wasnt sure if he wouldnt remember me,and hate me],or something going on with my other 3 children. Why I havent seen him, is MY issue, not yours to worry about.

Fact #5: I am a damn good mother, no matter what anybody says. I bust my ass 24/7 without a break, and I dont mind it. Ive been a momma and a daddy to my other 3 and its okay with me. Anybody who thinks im not a good mother, well, maaaaaybe you should rewind and worry about your own shit. I'm not here to entertain your ass.

So now that ive cleared some of that shit...just drop it already. Yeah if you think im an asshole, okay thats fine. I'm a strong ass person and I've seen a lot worse shit. I dont CARE. Anything you have to say to me, negative or nice..do me the favor and do it to my face or via telephone. I'm tired of reading it and it makes you look stupid. I hope whoever read this has a nice day :)

dear lyric.

Lyric.



Theres so many things I want to tell you...things I wish I could tell you to your face. If I dont see you again there are some things I'd like for you to know.



I want you to know you will always be my son...always know someone is out there thinking about you everyday. I want you to smile and live your life FOR YOU, dont let anyone tell you different. I want you to know you have 2 sisters and a brother here, that wouldve loved to have you with them...you'll always remain their blood. I want to know I never gave up on you...that I never wanted this. I dont want you to blame yourself or anybody else for that matter...I wish I couldve been there everyday to see you grow. I've missed so much, things I wish I couldve held your hand through. Youre so special to me, you will always be a special person Lyric. I wonder what you will look like when you get my age, if you'll be a better person than me. I hope you dont settle for less than you deserve, you deserve the world. I want to save you from anything that could hurt you..it hurts my stomach knowing you will get hurt someday. When that someday comes, know that its okay to cry and feel pain. It cant rain forever...things can always look up monkey. I remember when you came out, the first thing you did was grab onto my face with those warm little hands...and give me this look, like as if you were so content being skin to skin with me. That moment I met you, you stole my heart. I'm sure you will hear bad things about me, and some of them might be true...I loved your dad with everything I had. I just couldnt be the wife he wanted me to be..and thats okay with me now. I dont regret him or you, you both have made me such a strong person. I'm happy he loves you the way he does, it makes me feel content knowing you have him. I want to be there..but right now, it has to be this way. I promise you I will keep trying, and if I never see you again...my heart will always beat for you Lyric Leigh.

the worst day of my life.

I remember that day...the day he came and took my son from me. I try and try to make it go away but it will go with me to my grave. It's something that nobody can fully grasp, no matter how much I try to get it across. I've had friends turn on me when I needed them the most through this...and for that, i will never forget any of you.

I heard a knock at my door when I was getting ready to vacuum. Lyric was sleeping on the couch while the girls were watching max and ruby. I opened the door as the cops told me there was a restaining order/divorce papers for me. I was okay with that, then they had to explain that they were there for Lyric as well. My heart fell right out of my chest...I paniced. What do you when someone says you have to say goodbye to your 5 week old son? I had 15 minutes left with him..I packed his things and got him ready for Aaron to take him. I walked outside with him shaking, wanting to run as fast as I could. I remember the cops told me it was time..I just couldnt do it. Chloe and Brooklyn watching through the window devistated me...my girls had to watch their brother being ripped out of their mothers arms.I repeated "dont worry,youll be back here mister,i will fight until i'm 6 feet under,i promise". I started to buckle as Aaron walked up to get him. I sat there and the only words that I had for him is "you make sure you hug him and tell him you love him EVERYDAY". It was time, I handed him over, i turn and look at the police as they had tears in their eyes. Aaron walks away and I fall to the ground..it had to have been 107 degrees that day. I remember the smell of the hot concrete...I just layed there bawling..I didnt want to get up. My heart was literally ripped out of my chest and taken back to ventura..

No mother should have to say goodbye to their child..I pray to god nobody has to feel that pain. I've fought like hell through this, and I will always. Say what you want, judge me for all I care...I would walk through fire for the rest of my life as long as Lyric is at the end of it. He will always fuel that fire..always.